Saturday 30 April 2011

"Spyro 2 is a Satanist, Terrorism Sex Simulator", claims parents

NOTE: THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. AN ARTICLE SIMILAR TO THIS WAS FOUND ON UBERCHARGED.NET, AND MANY READERS DID NOT REALIZE IT WAS MERELY A JOKE!

We all know who Spyro is, right? He's every gamer's favourite purple dragon, as he's appeared in over ten games and his own movie was announced later last year (however it is now cancelled). But who is this character aimed at? All ages, sometimes for kids for the friendly dialogue and characters, and sometimes for adults who can complete the puzzles ahead. But parents of younger gamers say that "Spyro 2 is a Satanist, terrorism sex simulator", claiming that their kin's minds are being addled by this franchise.

INFERNO

One of the many circles mentioned in Dante's Inferno was "Avarice" (better known as "Greed") - Spyro must collect many gems in order to pass through certain areas, by bribing a wealthy gluttonous bear by the name of Moneybags. In the game there are 10,000 gems total, and Moneybags only asks for small amounts. He claims around 3,000 then gives a full refund after "defeating" the final boss.

SMALL

Spryo must defeat several "bosses" to complete the game. However, this leads children to believe it is perfectly normal to beat disfigured and differently-looking people. These bosses are known as "Crush", "Gulp" and "Ripto", each have physical prowess and mental difficulties. Plus, animal cruelty is mentioned in game. Players must defeat bats, lizards, birds, rams and various other animals to earn the level completion.

GENOCIDE

Sacrifice is also seen in this game, as Spryo must give a large amount of lives to the false god of his choice. His idols are two triangles apart, able to fit two dragons of Spyro's size in between. Upon bringing these souls to the triangles, Spyro can then walk through the gap and gain a "power" of his choice. These involve Super-flame, Super-flight, Super-freeze and Super-jump. Parents say this may let children think that animal sacrifice is the way to gain superhuman powers. In the first game - Spyro the Dragon - the credits at the end say "No sheep were harmed during the making of this game. Some Gnorcs, but no sheep". Insomniac even state how victorious they have been in their genocidal campaign!

PORNOGRAPHY

Even in a game which is deemed to be "suitable for gamers of all ages", this game has also been dubbed a "sex simulator". Characters such as Hunter, Bianca, Shiela and Elora have been called "Furries" by adult audiences. Insomniac says, "what fans say about these characters is their own fiction. We never intended that these characters be presented in any sexual way". Yet nearly 60% of the Spyro "community" claim that they have a crush on characters such as Bianca and Elora. One image was discovered on a Spyro forum recently,

Aww, isn't that so cute--, I mean, err, sickening, isn't it?!

The game lures fans into searching the internet for beastiality pornography and interspecies prostitution images. Such content should not even be allowed for adults, yet there are children also who are looking for this content.

Nudity is also a major problem: Hunter and Spyro are the only main characters who don't wear clothes at all, yet the Professor, Moneybags and Ripto do. However, these are trained animals beaten and humilated, then forced to wear clothes of such nature, for human enjoyment. Elora barely wears anything other than a fig leaf to cover her chest, and even the fur should cover her genitalia. Her raised tail shows that she is sexually excited, and promotes sodomy.

CONCLUSION

Never in all my days as a gaming journalist have I seen such evil in a video game! The content of this game is foul, and is only appealing to those who are too innocent to understand, or those who are guilty enough to do so. Sierra (creators of the perverse video game franchise, Leisure Suit Larry) now own the video game franchise, and are throwing even more adult-themed content at it than you can shake a stick at. This is truly disgraceful, but only the beginning of the depravity going on in video games.

Friday 29 April 2011

LOTRO: A brief review - PART 1

OK, so everything I say here may not be entirely accurate due to the fact I've only been playing for around 2 hours. Plus, I've only just finished all the Intro quests, so apologies. If you saw my Rift review on the Steam forums, I'm sure you know what this one will be like.

After many complaints and rants about how slow the download speed has been, I've finally got the game up and running. The moment I started I was overwhelmed by the intro movie and the graphical capabilities, so I guessed this game would be pretty awesome. I rolled a Race of Man Captain - a character that could bolster allies' attack and defense, and could keep himself alive. Not to mention that people wouldn't spam "FFS HEALER?!" and "WTF HEALER?!".

So immediately I found myself in a prison, and there's some dude who's just broken me out. Surrounding him are the lifeless bodies of recently slain guards. You know where this is headed, don't you? I then spend 10 minutes trying to find the "satchel" where I'll find my first weapon, then get into combat with my rescuer for no apparent reason. Apparently he wanted to test my combat skills, but surely he could've just seen me slaughter 4 "Darkwold" NPCs and then be the judge. Still, we carried on, and soon I was left on my own to fight.

Has anyone figured out what game I'm comparing this to? I'm being serious, this is how the game begins for a Race of Man.

I found several characters and reunited with my rescuer, however, he has been mortally wounded by a "Dark Rider". He retreats when the place sets alight, and we all leave for the starter city.

OK, I'm going to have to stop there. This is almost identical to the story of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, only without the death of an Emperor. But here's where things become even more comparative....

In the starter city I must convince a Captain I-don't-give-a-shit-about-what-you-think, or something along those lines, that there is a Darkwold invasion coming soon. What next, do I have to go to each of the realms and explain that they'll come through bloody great gates and burn down the city? No, that would be too much like ES. This time it's like Dragon Age!

So after killing various Darkwold soldiers, a few Feral Wolves, the occasional "piglet" (they call them piglets, but we know they're boars. See, Codemasters know when you're bored of killing boars), but still no signs of Ring Wraiths.

My opinion at the time: Generic MMORPG but it's doing a better job that Rift! And it's free!

So we find that Farmer Corn-on-the-Cob is in fact a traitor, and Captain Doesn't-give-a-shit can't believe it. We visit his exiled son and try to get proof. Then all of a sudden, after killing spiders and more wolves, we're plonked right into the middle of the main battle!

What would my character's parents say? "Oh, they grow up so fast. Jorhn's only Lv.5 and already he's in the army!" Yes, I was in the main battle of the Intro quests. Barely knowing anything about the Hobbits that are supposedly the Ring-Bearers, we're thrust into a huge battle with.... *sigh*, more Darkwold soldiers. After a few more waves of these enemies we're stunned for no apparent reason, Farmer Corn-on-the-Cob kills Captain Gunnery-Sergeant-Hartman, and we're left to slay him. Almost immediately we have a cutscene and now we're in the second part of the game.

Time flies by very quickly in this game - before the cutscene everything was ablaze, but during it, everything was repaired and after it's looking normal.

It's gonna be one of those games....

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Kvatch Recovery

I have to hand it to Bethesda that they know how to destroy a city. You remember when you nuke Megaton just for a few bottlecaps? It gets blown to smithereens! Now that's what I call a conscience! But let's return to the thread at hand - we all know the Kvatch was utterly destroyed by the Daedra, leaving only a few soldiers and civilians alive. Surprisingly, no children were harmed (mainly because there aren't actually children in this game).


It was good to know that a lot of people there were putting up a good fight? Me? I just sat back and watched, drinking mana potions like I was a drainpipe and hurling healing spells at everyone. It was all very tense for the NPC soldiers - I got so tense at one point I nearly soiled my breeches--, but enough about that. Even when the Oblivion gate is destroyed and the area in 100% "purified", no-one decides to do anything about it's recovery. Instead, the knights whom I "fought alongside with" are in fact just standing there idle. Oh, and I do leave with a fancy dress and a shield with the Wolverhampton United logo on it, so that's a nice bonus.

Kvatch. Have you heard about it?

As a matter of fact I have - there are many mods available for the PC version of the game, which can repair Kvatch once you've finished the quests there. The Kvatch Arena is restored; people are moving back into their homes and chapels; the streets are much cleaner; the guards are regularly patrolling, and of course - everyone recognizes you as a hero. However, some mods will only restore what Kvatch used to look like, and will not do the above things. Some mods may even introduce a new character - a new Count of Kvatch! Plus, if the town had more quests with this mod, I'd certainly give up precious HDD space to play them (as I've done around 95% of all quests on the XBOX 360 version).

So what turned out to be an impossible challenge on the home consoles has turned out to be a rather quick and easy on for the PC - another triumph for modified content. See? Not all content ruins your game....

World of Riftcraft: Similar or Copied?

Anyone who plays MMO games now will probably heard of a game called Rift. I remember hearing about it them moment it hit the Steam Store. I rushed onto the forums to see if it was worth getting. Now, being Steam forums and not the Trion Worlds (the makers of the game) forums, I was expecting there to be a lot of trolling and flame-wars. It was like looking at what was going to happen to Los Angeles in The Terminator. But I pushed all that aside and saw only people saying how great this game would be. But after looking at various screenshots, wikis and videos of sneak-peek gameplay, I couldn't help but notice that this game was very much like World of Warcraft, but at the time I was for Rift, rather than against it.

But why was I for this game? I mean, I bought Rift but I also had WoW. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I was bored of being a ginger Dwarf Hunter called McDipper. Don't get me wrong, I love WoW but it's just like every MMO on the market - Age of Conan, EverQuest, Aion, Final Fantasy.... need I go on?

In WoW it's all "go find this person" and "go kill [x] amount of [y]" or "collect [a] amount of [b]". As disappointed as I was, I still played the game and stopped complaining. I didn't like being a mage much in World of Warcraft, as it was too simple and I'd seen it all before. OK, it wasn't too different from Elder Scrolls games, but at least Bethesda did it right! Ah, the Hunter was the life for me, and it was the exact same thing on WoW as it was Rift.

I soon lost my nice opinion on Rift, as the game was exactly the same except for graphics. Here's how:

  • There are two sides - the "good" and the "evil". They're not really good or evil, they just have similar ways of doing things. And these two teams are against each other. There's the "Alliance" who rely on magic and worship, and the "Defiant" who rely on "Technomancy" and clocks.
  • The inventory system is identical to various other MMORPG's, and they couldn't think of anything original.
  • The combat system is the same and therefore boring
  • Classes have exactly the same names, icons, statistics as WoW
  • The game practically begins with the same concept - there's a war, now do your part for it by killing these and getting these.
  • Lots of enemies that have been seen and done before.
  • If Trion added a "Dungeon Finder", we'd know they have nothing else to copy. Without it, they're screwed.
To be honest, I don't think Rift copied entirely from WoW, but there are many things that are the same, and they get repetitive and extremely boring. If I wanted to play Adventure Quest: Worlds, I would do. I don't need to pay £15/month for that, because it's free!

Look at LOTRO - that has quests which aren't too hard or repetitive. It has awesome raids and many things to bring people together. Out of all the MMO's out so far though, believe it or not Runescape is the best. Not an opinion, but a fact. There aren't a great deal of "kill these, collect these and talk to him/her/it" quests, and they're still decent. Runescape isn't repetitive - it changes all the time, and there's always something to do. If any MMO wants inspiration, turn to Runescape or LOTRO - at least they know what they're doing.

In the meantime, I'll let YOU make an opinion on World of Warcraft, Rift and other MMO's. ^_^

The Installation of Lord of the Rings Online (LOTRO)

It's been a real tough week for my second half of my holiday - I've been playing a load of Team Fortress for the first half, grinding achievements for the Sniper (mainly involving Jarate), and complaining about crafting a Voodoo Juju (when I wanted the skull). But this week has been different!

I've been desperately trying to install the free MMO, Lord of the Rings Online (I'll refer to it as LOTRO from now). To be honest, I have no idea when this game takes place - whether it's before, during or after the events of the three novels (exlcuding "The Hobbit", because there was aleady a game adaptation of that).

The first time I tried to install, it took around 3 days to do so. Why? Because - believe it or not - I wasn't using a dongle: I was using Talk-Talk broadband, but I had to do so wirelessly. I was only downloading at 100kb minimum.

My laptop screen Trollfaced me.

So then I decided to just let it download from 5AM to 9PM for around three days. Finally, the patcher appeared and I was overjoyed! But then I realized it was installing another 3 gigabytes on top of the six I'd recently downloaded! WHAT?!

My laptop screen Trollfaced me. Again.

So I agreed to install that 3gig, which took around two hours. When that was done, I tried logging in with BOTH OF MY CODEMASTERS AND TURBINE ACCOUNTS!!!! Did it work?! No.

My laptop screen Trollfaced me. Thrice.

That was when I realized I was installing the US version! Of course, how silly of me to not notice that THERE WAS NO NOTIFICATION OF THIS BEING THE UNITED STATES VERSION OF THE GAME!!!! So I uninstalled that, and in my rage, I roared. I would boast about reaching climax during that roar, but that would be stupid. And a lie.

So I installed the EU version of the game, which was ten gigabytes. Too much. I tried on my Iomega hard-drive, but apparently I didn't have permission. I gave it full access, but what happened? It wasn't part of Win32, and that really brought my piss to the boil. I suffered 3rd degree burns in my bladder. So then I decided to install it on my Data drive and - voila - it has done it!

So now I'm happy. I'm just around 75% installed, then we've got to extract the files, then install the patcher, and then I'm done! I'm ready to play LOTRO!

I'm probably happier than this kid here!



The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Sheer Beauty

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is one of the biggest titles of the PC, XBOX 360 and the Playstation 3. Not to mention one of the greatest games of all time. I would talk about the whole ES franchise, but we'd be here forever, and that's not the point of this thread. I'd like to talk about the forth game, and it's beautiful graphics, and soothing soundtrack.


Now if that ain't gorgeous, I don't know what is

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is renowned for its extremely detailed scenery, the realistic expressions of characters' faces, and of course, the characters themselves. From the demons to Dagon, from rocks to roads, I'll be talking about it all here on this post. Why? Because if there's one woman I have to say I love, she's called Cyrodiil.

Bethesda were the creators of Fallout 3, completely changing the way that series looked. The nitty-gritty look of the Capital Wasteland's crumbling ruins truly caught our attention. I didn't like its graphics at first, but the rough edges and quite pixilated borders around objects and buildings really set the scene. Everything is glum, there's no hope of survival, death is waiting around every corner - it's reality, and we can't escape it. But Cyrodiil is a world full of hope, light and wonder - we can travel for hours through the mountains of Bruma, the plains of Anvil to Chorrol, and roam the beaches surrounding the Imperial City in peace. We're armed, ready and we're hardened prisoners, so we have no fear of the odd mud crab or the mob of Goblin berserkers. The atmosphere is a positive one, and we will fight for it, but not die for it.

Wow, I can't wait to nuke Megaton for a few bottle caps from this view!

Sheer beauty - that's what it is. Even Oblivion: the place we can truly call Hell on Earth, with its seas of bubbling lava, smoke-filled air and killer plantlife, we still find something about it amazing. The soundtrack fills us with dread, and it can make our bones chill more than the coldest night in Winter. We get a feel of what it's like to be scared in Dagon's realm.

But not all that is Daedric is about blood, fire and death. Take Sheogorath's realm - two sides of good and evil. It's like putting ES 4 and Fallout 3 together: Mania, the fantasy realm of good and Dementia, the land of depression and hopelessness. Sheogorath - even though he has a lot of people killing each other in both cities - is a rather cheery fellow. He doesn't like shouting, nor does he mind the fact he'll explode and become the giant version of the Tinman from Wizard of Oz. He too knows what beauty is - he wears lots of bizarre colours, not to mention uses them to decorate his realm. In the badly named Shivering Isles, we have giant orange mushrooms, greasy green cobblestones, mutated Koopas without shells, and huge ants which I swear were in Fallout 3.

Sheogorath doesn't need to pluck my eyes out to make me come again! Eww....

I can't possibly say any more to you than "see it for yourself"! Have a look at videos, images, mods - play the sodding game! Because this truly is a beautiful game, with inspirational graphics that no-one else can master! You thought Rift on highest quality was good? Pah! Wait 'til you see this game! It'll always give you butterflies in your stomach (similar to the ones in the above picture, but not as many) and a lump in your throat. Now if you'd excuse me, I've got to see to my fair lady Cyrodiil....

If you think this is wrong, see what they do with plants!

Welcome to the official Greenteeth Blog!

Hi there, and welcome to the official Greenteeth Productions blog! You may know our (or should I say "my") little thing going on at YouTube - we review games, swear a lot and try to make things funny.

Here on this blog you'll find:

  • Videos - whether they be exclusive to this blog, or available to the public eye on YouTube
  • Reviews - some long and short reviews of games which we all know and love
  • Rants - absolute rage going towards some games (NOTE: NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY)
  • Critisism - you'll see all the arguable negative points about a game here
  • Notes - just some things we'd like to talk about in a game, and what interests us at the moment
That's all for now really on this post! We hope you enjoy the rest of the blog!
Oh, and apologies if it's not up to the greatest standards in the world - we're new to blogging! ^_^