Time to save Gotham.... or destroy it? Part 1

All the big names come to mind when the words "Gotham City" are mentioned - Batman, Robin, Catwoman and of course - one of the most famous (if not the most famous) villain of all time, the Joker! Never have I been a big fan of DC Comics, but would always pop by the market to get 3-for-a-pound and so on, taking interest in Aquaman's adventures, and so forth. But if there's one thing that's put me off of it, it's the lore. Now, putting the Sylvester Stallone "Judge Dredd" jokes aside (AH AHM, THUH LAW!), it's because that I feel that "if I miss some part of it, I've gotta trace the story a couple-hundred comics back to truly make sense of it". No, I never really started with DC or Marvel comics, nor did I have a starting point, it was just, "That comic cover looks cool, gimme, gimme, gimme." But that was mainly because I was a Beano and Dandy fan, never needing to know lore or characters, just pick it up, read for a bit and laugh at the punchline.

So, what kind of impact did DC Universe Online becoming free have on me? Honestly, very little. Until I came across a video which told me, "Hmm.... alright, I'll have a look". I was mainly interested due to it being made by TotalHalibut (thecynicalbrit.com, goes by the name of TotalBiscuit in-game mostly), and he gave excellent commentaries on Dawn of War so I thought to give him another shot. His commentary and awe-inspiring footage gave me reason to show interest in such a game, and it was he who made it so special. I was empowered by what this game had to offer; not playing this would seem such a crime, I had to join in. Plus, it was free to play so, why not? 30 gig download on my external harddrive (14 gig of that is just the raw start-up data. The other half is patches or something).

"The next legend is you"

I must admit, a new MMO is what I need. World of Warcraft is becoming more of a bore, and content is becoming boring (OK, I haven't done most raids but don't care for them) and would like Patch 4.3, or the new expansion. Lego: Universe I really must revisit. And LOTRO? Needs reinstalling and I need much more interest for it. But this game should offer lots of different things, like Age of Conan, Star Wars(?), Dungeons and Dragons, City of Heroes and most notably Diablo.

So, what's the story of this MMO-Action-RPG? Well, the main antagonist (main villain) Braniac has invaded Gotham City, and plans to take it piece by piece (quite literally). The heroes of the DC universe must come together and stop Braniac and his/her.... we'll go with "it's" alien forces. But what of the villains? Are they taking advantage of the fear and terror, or are they actually saving Gotham too, but claiming it for their own once Braniac's forces are gone? It seems a tad unclear so far, but I'll be sure to update.

While you don't play as the pre-made characters of the DC universe, you can create your own unique one, or a character "inspired" by the already existing heroes/villains. You can edit their personalities, abilities, skin colour and type (I'm gonna have to go with reptillian, perhaps robotic), "built-in" ability and so on and so fourth. The developers of the game really go to town with the character customization, that's for sure. Evidence enough from videos on YouTube, especially what TotalHalibut shows on his. What character shall I be making? Hmm... something along the lines of:

Name: Count Serpentide

Side: Villain / Evil

Mentor: The Joker

Skin: Reptilian, or Human

Ability: Superspeed

Element: Fire, or Nature

Weapon: Cane/Stave, or one-handed sword. Possibly a bow

Costume: Dinner suit perhaps, possibly with a cape.

Backstory:

Once the host of many dinner parties, the Englishman John Esprendite was known for his humor, good heart and always flirting. He even said that his aristocratic ways would live beyond the grave, and that they did. He had supposedly died during a horrific experiment involving blood transplants with that of a healthy virgin reptile, but had transformed into a humanoid lizard! He returned to his dinner party and his guests thought it was a joke - he too found it amusing, and was glad he could still entertain. However, when a group of mobsters disguised as dinner guests knew it was no joke, they immediately shot the dinner guests and Esprendite, knowing that the scientific experiment had been conducted - he had discovered how to transform himself, and had beaten the mobsters' boss!

He recovered from the shootout, and set his path: to avenge the death of the dinner guests, and won't let anyone stand in his way - not even a Gotham City Hero!

The Joker found much use in a man like Esprendite, and started calling him Serpentide. John liked it, the Joker liked it, and the crime organization they were both in liked it. He was glad to have found his new home, and a place to perform all his evil deeds and schemes without raising too much attention!

Zul'Banunu, part 1

Introduction

First of all, I have to say this will probably make no sense whatsoever, and will be completely random to the average human being (especially if you've no idea what the Hell the Zandalari is). It all started many years ago when a young boy couldn't pronounce "banana" correctly. He instead called them "banunus", and his nickname "Nunu" (rightfully so) was born. After a little thought of him being humiliated and sharing his wrath with the world, I decided to make a minor story about this.

Prologue

Zul'Banunu, somewhere in Kalimdor....

"Dis is obsurd!" Barked Vol'jin's messenger. He was stood in front of the sacred pit of fires, and his eyes glimmered with fear and anger. The Troll in front of him was not happy. Zan'unu was not pleased by the messenger's tongue, and decided he was not welcome in his home.
"Obsurd?" Asked Zan'unu, turning around slowly, unsheathing his sword - a curved blade with peels around the hilt, like that of a banana. "DIS! BE! ZUL'BANUNU!" Zan'unu bellowed, and kicked the messenger into the pit of fire with his three toed foot. He sliced his way through the messenger's bodyguards, and those who surrendered joined forces with him.
"Zul'Banunu.... goes.... TO WAR!"


And so the war with Zan'unu begun. Vol'jin, leader of the Darkspear Tribe and the Horde's Trolls had no choice but to fight for his place. Zan'unu could not spread his tropical tyranny around the world, nor could he let his divine brews and gifts of the jungles sway Garrosh for a place in his beloved Horde. It was then, Vol'jin had decided to call for Azeroth's greatest fighters and healers, to conquer....

THE ZUL'BANUNU MENACE!

High Priest Banuxis

Once a respectable brewmaster, now a slave to his own creations, Banuxis joined Zan'unu in an attempt to gain access to the sweetest fruits in the Zan'Banunu jungles. His fruit-bat servants reign supreme in his area, and swoop down on intruders before they encounter him.

• Banana Trail: Banuxis will ride his land-banana boat, scraping its pastes around the arena. Should players stand in this, they will suffer approximately 16,000 Nature damage for every second they remain in its venicity.
• Bananamana: Banuxis will use an elasticated banana to stick to two players. If they do not run away from each other fast enough, the banana will not snap, but instead make them collide and deal 40,000 Physical damage. If they split, however, the banana will burst, dealing 10,000 Nature damage to all players, and 100,000 to Banuxis. The damage done to Banuxis will increase if his banana shield is interrupted.
• Banana Bat: Banuxis will climb to his shrine and transform into a giant fruit bat, dealing Shadow, Physical and Nature damage to players who are within a 5 yard radius of him. When Banana Blood reaches five stacks on players, they must move immediately otherwise they will be killed instantly.

A HUGE Thankyou to the World of Warcraft EU Forums!

And by that I'm not being sarcastic! So, here goes....

HUGE THANKYOU!

While this all sounds fine and dandy to those who know what I'm talking about, others may be confused. Don't worry, I would be too. So, here's the linky to my thread that has been answered to my liking,

http://eu.battle.net/wow/en/forum/topic/2868757021#1

There you'll find the reason of my happiness. Yes, I'm learning to Tank. I started recently, and can I just say it was bloody wonderful! I can? Then it was bloody wonderful!

Yes, crap actionbar bindings, etc. Hey, at least I've got "T" for Taunt. I mean, seriously, having to actually move ones wrist to click buttons?! Pfft! Wow, long caption.

Johnior, in all his glory(?), is pictured above, as Captain Looms. He's changed quite a bit since then (perhaps in level and in gear, who knows), and is a happy chappy. But in his first two dungeons (both Deadmines. It's OK once, but c'mon, not twice in a row!), he's learnt a few things:

1. If you've never done it before (in any game for that matter), it's hard work. Having to remember the buttons (instead of hitting "W" and "G" for Jewelcrafting and Mining, when I wanted "2" for Strike, or "R" when I needed my Taunt button) can be tricky in the heat of battle.
2. Taking aggro can be annoying when you've got Captain Megapull taking aggro for you (as polite as it sounds, it's not. It's annoying for us Tanks).
3. Playing Warrior has got to be my favourite thing so far. Not just for Tanking, but it feels comfortable in quests too.
4. It has raised my self esteem massively. Knowing that I can lead the charge and I haven't been blamed for anything yet - it feels great!
5. Hunters can be EXTREMELY annoying for Aggro!*

The thrill of Taunting, Rending, Thunderclapping, ???-ing, then Profiting is wonderful. I feel that I'm not just mindlessly spamming buttons, doing a Captain Faceroll (lots of Captains, aren't there?) and gawfering "trololololo", but actually doing something beneficial.

* = OK, allow me to explain. When I finally learn the keybinds for my character, make sure that the Rend is applied BEFORE Thunderclap and have around 200%+ aggro, guess what happens? Captain Arrows - 30 yards away - is pew-pewing shots, attacking different targets to me and gaining aggro wherever. OK, this only happened once. But who replaced him? Oh, it was Captain Looms and Captain Priest combined to make.... Captain-Discipriest-in-looms? But OK, it was annoying. I can understand you wanna get your DoT in before I get aggro, but please, take some advice from my main: Wait at least 1.5, perhaps 2 seconds before you go ape shit with your weapons. While you may think the Tank's got aggro, his percentage could be 90% and glowing orange. There's barely anything stopping that mob from turning around, killing you and then saying "ffs nub tank wtf".

So, that's my experiences for now. I have to admit, I'm feeling a lot better playing WoW. Perhaps, after some training, I'll go back to Resto Druidism, and find more joy in directly helping.

And back to the boys and girls of the EU WoW forums - thanks ever so much for helping me out - for the advice, the courage and perhaps a few peeks at your armor! Best of luck!

Johnior, Sindor'ei Warrior ^_^



A game that's harder than tits!

It's the game I wouldn't f*ck with your dick! Yes, it's DooM - a game that offers so much unnecessary violence, eye-bleeding graphics and the sh*t-scariest soundtrack in the world! You know it's a good game when it's an iD game.

When DooM was released, it was the closes thing you could get without shitting your pants and being laughed at. When your scream was heard, everyone knew it was the DooM scream. Upon pressing START to play, you're in the shoes of a marine. You're in the sh*t from the beginning. But that was in 1990. In 2011 there was a new game, a new WAD for this retro-rollercoaster to the Inferno. It was Tourettes Guy DooM!

You're outta the butt, and into the fuck now!

Well, there you have it - living proof of Tourettes Guy DooM. Just by looking at the cover, you can see it's gonna be a kick-ass load of crap. Pay attention to the kick-ass part.

First look

Upon beating the grey boot-up screen, I had to wait a few seconds to recognize the theme. It wasn't that of DooM, but one of the themes from dating game show, the Dating Game! While trying to dry the tears of laughter from my eyes, I'd chosen one of the four difficulties (all four of which are quotes of TG's, respectively).

At first glance there wasn't a great deal that had changed. The Marine's hand and weapons were still the same, but that was only a minor disappointment. I knew it would take several gigabytes, hours and raves (yes, mods are prone to crashing), so I ignored that and had a look at what I had. There were new items (beer instead of "potions", Total cereal instead of health packs, M&Ms instead of Invulnerabilty things, etc), a new HUD which had Danny's head rather than Blazkowiks', and of course, new quotes.

Yes, quotes. Depending on how Danny kills something, or takes damage, he will holler one of his many quotes. Whether it be "PISS!", "Damn, that's some good SHIT!" or "Get in the bathroom and shave your SIDEBURNS!", there'll always be something for some reason.

Fighting bosses as Danny was surprisingly more humorous than I thought. The super-mega-death-spider was particularly amusing. Forever firing rockets at it, eventually whacking it with my fists to finish it, was most entertaining. Oh, and the f*cking swearing kept the game alive.

What now?

After completing each campaign, half-dead, battered and bruised, I was glad I'd achieved something. I'd never completed all 4 campaigns, just 3 of them. I didn't care if it wasn't original DooM, it was still DooM.

The game never really got boring. If I did get bored, I'd pack it in, play some Unreal Tournament, go back on and take the seriousness off my shoulders. I remember playing this game on the train, being told off because of the profanities, but people still came round and asked, "Did you make that?" I told them "no, but a guy named Twistedmethoddan did. Check him out on YouTube." I wrote the name down and gave it to them. If I were that unlucky, they would've approached me again next week, same time and said "hey, that game's real awesome! I downloaded it from his channel!"

So there you have it - Tourettes Guy DooM doesn't ruin the original experience, but rather alters it instead of adding something to it. You can still keep the seriousness of classic DooM, but have some more humor other than a heartless marine's pet rabbit being killed.

All we can hope for now is Danny Nukem: Sagets to Kill!





The Horde is back in town!

So coming back to World of Warcraft (thanks Ben for the Recruit-a-Friend), I've decided to roll an Orc Hunter for my first character. They're pretty easy to level, good for soloing (they have a pet, so you'll never have any trouble with melee combat), and due to the Recruit-a-Friend (RaF for short), I can now gain much more XP and reputation gains!

Ben pointed me in the right direction when it came down to what realm (server) I should go to, so Defias Brotherhood was the one for me - a PVPRP (Player VS Player Role-play, just in case you didn't know). But there was barely any PvP. I even saw a Gnome on a dragon flying and parking his butt in Orgrimmar, and he had PvP disabled! What the Hell? Sure he was Lv.85 but I still wanted to fight him at Lv.40.

Jorrok in his early stages. SAXTON, HAAAAAAAAALE!

So myself and Ben had gotten to around Lv.40 in three days, which, on my Night Elf Druid (in Magtheridon), took three months to do! Jorrok is currently nearing Lv.60 after nearly a week of playing, and he's looking forward to the WOTLK (Wrath of the Lich King) DLC.

I've never really been a Horde player though. I mean, my first ever character was a Human Warrior, and the my skill with melee just dropped drastically. So then I decided to be a Night Elf Druid (a healer/shape-shifter/spells hybrid), but I kept getting the "FFS Healer!" abuse and what-not, and to top it all off, I'd lost my best healing spell, which had to be re-unlocked at Lv.78. Instead it was replaced by a really bad one, and that's when I gave up completely.

I have a long history with the Alliance - I've had several Human characters (Priest, Paladin, Warrior), then I tried Dwarves (mainly Hunters, for their increased crit-chance with guns), and then Draenei (which didn't work out well). I'd also tried Gnomes, but they have very few classes to play as, and weren't that exciting. I'll give them credit for the nice starter's area though.

But the Horde I didn't entirely like. My first experience was with a Tauren, and that didn't go too well. I was a Paladin, and it seems that nobody likes Tauren Paladins. And to be honest, neither did I. So I stopped playing him, and decided to get out of the "Pallyz r OP, nerf naow!" business quickly.

Then along came the Forsaken (Undead), which, although had a easy starter area, I got bored of it very quickly. So it was either Blood Elves or Orcs. I tried a BE, and boy was it boring. OK, it was easy enough, and rather interesting at first. But everytime I see that starter's area, I feel physically sick.

The Orc didn't last 30 seconds, so it was back to the Alliance. Several weeks later, I was back to the Orc Hunter, Wanza, and I'd reached a Lv.15 Beast Mastery Hunter. It was pretty awesome, and now it's even awesome-er as a Lv.56 one!

So it's been a long and bumpy ride through the choices made in my WoW career, but I'm still slowly but surely pushing along towards the Horde side. They have more difficult choices to make, and when you choose one of their races, you feel that it's the most important one, in these difficult times. The Horde is on the verge of tearing itself apart, and that's what makes playing one particular race more exciting.

If you wanna find me on Defias Brotherhood, feel free to add me as a friend. The name's Jorrok, and I'm an Orc Hunter.

27/05/2011 UPDATE

It's the first major update for Greenteeth, so here it is: "Patch 1.0.1"!

Character Updates 1.0.1

Introducing:

• Commando Ro
• N. Ding
• N. Trails
• N. Danger

Patches to existing characters:

• Sherri has been killed off
• Greasgorrok "Greasy Gamer" has become a coca-cola addict
• Undertaker makes his new series

Series Updates 1.0.2

Patches to Greasy Gamer series:

• More research will go into reviews
• More creative critisism will go into reviews
• More rant scenes and cleverness will go into reviews
• Three donations have been given: Re-Loaded (PS1), Assault (PS1) and Alien Trilogy (PS1)

Patches to Undertaker series:

• Undertaker Reviews begin
• (Possible) First reviews will be: 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Dollman, Escape from New York

Amnesia: The Dark Descent - Staring into the Abyss, Part 1

Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Already you get the mental image of survival horror, loss of hope and a place filled with despair. This game isn't just a horror game - it's a full-on simulator. Imagine the following:

• Silent Hill (all the good ones, anyway)
• Resident Evil
• Alan Wake
• SAW
• Alone in the Dark
• The Ball
• The complete opposite of Saxton Hale

Combine these things and you're bound to have Amnesia: The Dark Descent. In the game (or perhaps real life), it may look something like this....

Scary, isn't it? Imagine when you fight against one of these little beauties!

Well, I say fight them. I mean "try desperately to find the SHIFT key, then attempt to hide away in a dark corner or a closet. However, this image might not frighten you just by looking at it. It probably wouldn't scare a 3rd grader if they had a second glance at it. But when you play the game and find that there are no weapons in the game, you're pretty much fucked. That's when this game gets really scary.

SO, LET US BEGIN OUR DESCENT INTO THE DARKNESS....

The whole game takes place in some sort of manor. The game will not explain exactly what is going on. You are suffering from amnesia (forgetfulness, if you'd like me to put it bluntly), and you can't remember where you are or how you got there. The first thing you'll notice is that you're in an FPS. Or just an FP, because there is no shooting at this very moment. I don't want to spoil it for you, but there isn't any shooting in this game as far as I know. This game isn't Left 4 Dead - it's not going around mindlessly killing everything in your path thinking you are xXM4DSKILLZBROXx. In this game you rely on everything but guns. You must rely on courage, sanity (both yours and the main character's), wit and agility to pass these tests.

Does the fact that there's no HUD bother you? Of course it does, if you like generic shooters like Call of Duty and Halo. But this game tries to keep everything as realistic as possible. In a dark and eerie place, you're bound to see things walking past, hear screams in the night and feel that icy presence wrap around you. You are alone and defenceless. Go on, call for "HELP" down the microphone. If this were Hotel 626, you'd just envoke the wrath of some slumbering ghost.

DO IT FAGGOT!

For the most part of the game you'll be soiling yourself. I did too, so we can all admit it and not laugh about it. To make your way around you might need a certain number of cogs, levers or other devices to get something working. Perhaps an elevator, or the 1800's version of a security door/panic room? Think of this as Bioshock, but with less enemies, no guns or HUD, and barely any guidance. Whatever you find or do is taken into account, but it's your brain that has to do that. Very rarely will you get a note in your journal telling you where to go next, or even a clue. The game doesn't have an assistant - the only assistant at the beginning is:

• You have amnesia. Deal with it
• Objective is to escape from this castle/huge-ass manor
• Not go insane due to lack of light or the witnessing of a monster
• Play in the dark (and gain blindness or the need of spectacles) and use earphones to amplify the effects.

Nice huh? Along the way you might find pieces of your journal scattered around, and they take your mind off things too. You'll perhaps learn about this artifacts Daniel (the main character) has been looking for. Maybe even about a mysterious death in his local community. Whatever it is, it doesn't help with your quest in any way, but it helps the plot thicken.

It's not long in the game when you realize how important light is. You have four sources of light:

1. Sunlight (on certain levels there may be windows that are open, or a crack in a wall that reveals light)
2. Already-lit torches (these are found hanging on the walls), candelabras and chandeliers
3. Tinderboxes (you can use one tinderbox to light one non-lit torch ONLY)
4. Gas Lantern (requires oil, but is a portable source of light)

Light protects you from insanity. When you go insane, you'll fall to the ground and then your speakers will project a loud whine (yes, worse than someone on the Team Fortress 2 Forums), which will make you (in reality) lose around 3 ear hairs which are needed to hear. But that's what happens when you have, what I call, an insanity attack - the makers of this game really try to put you in the shoes of someone who can't call for mommy, because she's probably a Skidrow (the monster).

"THIS ISN'T ALAN WAKE - THE LIGHT WON'T PROTECT YOU"

If you think you should be scared of the dark, think again. When a Skidrow appears from around a corner, what would you rather do?

A) Shine a torch in his face and keep running at him

B) Hide in the darkness and perhaps behind an object (e.g, a barrel, up against a wall, behind a table)

These monsters aren't blind and they will detect you very easily in light. They're slow, bumbling deformed man-babies, but at least they give you the chance to shut a door behind you and hide behind the sofa. This isn't Alan Wake - the light won't protect you. You can't burn these things, nor can you make them run away by trying to strike a light in their faces. As I said earlier, there are no weapons in the game, only wit and guile. Besides, if you saw one of these things, you would not attack it. If anything you would stay there, scream and expose your neck in your fear. Running away is a mere fantasy in the mental condition Daniel is in, but he manages to do it. He's not Gordan Freeman, who suddenly knows everything about espionage, sabotage and crowbars.

If that monster came in to your room, OK, you might suddenly beat it, but what if you were unable to interact with a cane or a table or the handgun under your pillow? What else would you do? That's the case in this game. If Daniel was given a P90 and some grenades, he'd kill the sonofabitch that stood there before him without a doubt. But that would give him comfort. And then this game would be as awful as Hydrophobia.

"HE'S NOT GORDAN FREEMAN, WHO SUDDENLY KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ESPIONAGE, SABOTAGE AND CROWBARS"

The amount of sheer horror put into this game is amazing. This isn't just your average Legend of Zelda puzzle, nor is it just the take-your-time-and-pick-your-nose gameplay of Silent Hill - this is psychological horror. This game is for proffessionals with standards. You wanna game that's got endless gore in it? Play DooM, and watch The Toxic Avenger series while you're at it. But if you want something that will chill you right to the bone, then play this, and then come back to my descent into darkness.

Travian: A Review

I'm a big fan of MMORPGs. Especially browser based ones. The ones that don't require 20gig andtake several days to install, not to mention the ones that you don't pay monthly for. I played World of Warcraft and found it worth paying for, and Rift was decent but still offered the same gameplay. No point in paying double for one product, right?

But in saying that, I've been playing Travian for a few weeks now, and have so far really enjoyed it. I played Tribal Wars for around 20 minutes, but got bored and said "fuck that, I'm outta here". Sure Travian is nothing more than pointing and clicking, but it's addictive and sure as Hell fun. Like on the old Atari consoles, you have to use your imagination. But this isn't just your average browser game though - it's not like Urban Jungle or Hobo Wars where it's all text based. On this you can see how your village is progressing, how your empires are expanding, check upon your hero - it's all there on this very-near-to-awesome game.

So far I've been through three accounts (I'm not doing too bad on my third). The reason why I've gone through three accounts is because:

• On my first account I made my Roman empire a Trading one instead of a Militant one.
• On my second account I kept being attacked by one person and was robbed dry of resources.
• On my third account, I'm finally doing something good as a Gaul.

ARMIES

When you register, you decide what army you want to be associated with: The Romans (good for beginners), the Gauls or the Teutons. Right now my personal favourites are the Gauls (mainly for the ability to use traps).

Each army has different attributes. Some might have:

• Stronger defense bonuses than others
• Faster resource gathering than others
• Stronger troops than others
• Cheaper building costs than others
• Faster merchant speeds than others

Who you choose is up to you, but I recommend the Gauls (I think they're more recommended for new players). Why? Because they have:

• A Cranny that starts off holding 200 resources (equivilant to a lv.4-5 Roman Cranny)
• Fast Merchants
• Ability to use traps, so enemy soldiers are instantly stopped before they even reach the city walls
• Not too great a nerf towards their defense bonuses.

OBJECTIVES

The Objective of the game is rather simple: when your beginner's protection runs out.... panic. While you're trying to get your resource tiles to higher levels, you'll need to think about taking over the world, or saving it. But still, whether you're a Trader or a Tyrant, you'll need lots of defence while doing quests. Quests aren't major and aren't really part of the main objective, but offer rewards that will help with the main objective.

RESOURCES

Resources are required to build and upgrade resource tiles (the resource genorators) and buildings (barracks, warehouse, flour mill, etc). You might need a certain amount of wood to build that city wall, or enough iron to train that certain amount of troops. Either way, resources are the life blood of your empire, especially wheat! Your workers will go through wheat like there's no tomorrow, so you need to keep the supplies up so you can upgrade and build more things quickly!

Resources can also be traded with other players or NPCs. Some can be donated just by sending a merchant over to another player's village.

TROOPS

Troops are a major part of the game, whether you're peaceful or not. Troops are needed to keep your supplies around when you won't, and make sure they hold off attackers. Troops are used to attack other villages, defend their own, reinforce others and aid Heroes on their adventures. Troops can be found and captured (especially the nature ones - yep, you can catch crocodiles, bats, tigers, rats, bears, snakes with Cages).

THE HERO

Your hero is practically the the best troop in your village. He's all you have for protection at the beginning. He'll go on adventures or to unnocupied oasises, and if he's at home he'll help gather resources. He can be given ointments (HP potions), steeds, cages, books, weapons and armour - anything to help him pillage and rape his way through the world! If your hero dies, he can be resurrected at the price of a long respawn time and a lot of resources.

ALLIANCES AND WAR

It's wise to build an Embassy as soon as possible, for without one, you can't possibly join an Alliance. Alliances will help others keep track of when you or someone else attacks, and is an easy way to keep in touch with merchants. They'll help you especially when everyone's waiting for your beginner's protection to run down to 00:00:00. But that doesn't mean you won't need your soldiers and defences!

A DAY ON TRAVIAN

A day on Travian for me is like watching paint dry. However, the picture I've painted is one of a zebra (I love zebras), and I could watch that for hours. The moment you log on you'll find yourself disappointed or extremely happy - you'll either have fuck-all in resources, or overfill and wished you'd expanded your warehouse/granary. If you leave your account for around a day or two, it will have its resource pussy stretched beyond belief, and that's no good to you, or the person who fucked it.

So you have to do something right? Well, while you're happily wasting resources on wheat fields, you see what your Hero brought back from yesterday's late night raid, and -ooh goody- he's got some cages! Time to use them in an Unoccupied Oasis! It takes him an hour to get there and he brings back 2 bats, 2 rats, a tiger and a bear. Hmm.... not brilliant, but they'll do. At least it's some more defense, and they don't need feeding so I'm OK.

You're mainly going to be expanding resource tiles, building armies and perhaps doing the odd work to the city wall, but that's about it for a great majority of the time. I guess there is nothing else to do after that. Well, you could try working on some quests but you need a huge pile of resources to do them.... which you don't have.

Travian is all about waiting.... and believe me, this game makes sure you're patient.

CONCLUSION

This game isn't anything fancy or overcomplicated (Evony), but it isn't too basic, boring and utterly shoddy (Tribal Wars). Travian is colourful, has lots of players aiming for the top and always has something going on war-wise. If you've spent out all your resources, have a look at what you can do for when you have enough. Can you wait another few minutes to build that Academy? Is it worth investing another level into my Embassy? Perhaps I should buy some more traps later, and save what I have now?

You'll always be making tough decisions and you're always having questions bombarding you. It's a tough game at times, but it's a good one. And just because you can't watch your screen all the time because there's always something going on, doesn't mean that you can't do something else. The world of Travian is always changing, and even by waiting, you can make it change too.

My verdict: 96/100

THE GOOD

• Colourful, bright and friendly for everyone
• A real empire-building game. It makes you feel proud to have such an awesome force
• It's worth waiting for the good things

THE BAD

• The moment your beginner's protection runs out, everyone has dibs on who kills you
• Waiting for resources can be a pain, and sometimes not worth it
• Depending on your tribe/army, you might suffer in various ways

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - A Traveller's Tales

What with The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim coming up soon, I'm all hyped up about its ancestor, Oblivion. But I've completed all the quests mentioned in the GOTY Prima guide, and I've only got two more skulls to find for the uncharted quest, The Hills of Suicide. Am I bored? No.

This is just a minor case of devestation. The rest of the game offers a lot more!

I've been playing this game for years now, a few months after its release. This was probably the first RPG I'd ever played, and you know what they say about first impressions. This game had awesome material, mostly original, the graphics really emphasized were extremely appealing, the soundtrack emphasized everything you saw, heard and read. Every little detail was taken to account - whether it be the moss in between cobblestones or the hidden messages written into the bark of trees. But what else is there to do apart from look at this marvellous scenery? Nothing.

But who says it's a bad thing?

Mods. They make wilderness exploration better than it already is

OK, so you might not want to go around, killing wolves for pelts, boars for meat or various other roles as a RP Hunter. I have nothing against you for that. Even I - as a role-player - still like to go and fight with the odd Imperial City guard, bring down an Oblivion gate or nick a few spoons from Kvatch....

But what if you are a role-player? You're stuck to very few tasks which can get repetitive and boring. On MMO's, you have to pay to do this. C'mon, any closer to reality and we'd be playing as gimps for our very real Mistresses. But on ES4:Oblivion, it's free to play. When you have the game you can do whatever you want. Me? I'm a traveller. I prefer to use my bow, and sometimes hurl a few spells when necessary.

I like to see the world, not be shut away from it like I was at the beginning of the game. I've left the game on pause, roaming around the Chorrol planes, hoping to find a mountain lion and a worthy challenge at my level. But while I'm loading my bow, aimng for the perfect shot, scheming menacingly, I take in the surroundings. The area. The view. The peace.

No Oblivion Gates pulsating in the background. No other players filling up a text-chat box on my left. No other reason for this animal to die other than an arrow from my quiver. On a single-player game, you are the one who chooses what lives and what dies. And as a traveller, you'll find more oppurtunities to kill, save and destroy. It's just a matter of looking around.

So, while I wait patiently for the beast named Skyrim, I look around Oblivion, lurking in waist-high grain, holding my bow, ready to strike at it like the hand of God. I'll clutch it, and exchange its life for money.... in a store.... called Gamestation....

 Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Also known as Vikings .VS. Brown Bears with Tentacles.

"Spyro 2 is a Satanist, Terrorism Sex Simulator", claims parents

NOTE: THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. AN ARTICLE SIMILAR TO THIS WAS FOUND ON UBERCHARGED.NET, AND MANY READERS DID NOT REALIZE IT WAS MERELY A JOKE!

We all know who Spyro is, right? He's every gamer's favourite purple dragon, as he's appeared in over ten games and his own movie was announced later last year (however it is now cancelled). But who is this character aimed at? All ages, sometimes for kids for the friendly dialogue and characters, and sometimes for adults who can complete the puzzles ahead. But parents of younger gamers say that "Spyro 2 is a Satanist, terrorism sex simulator", claiming that their kin's minds are being addled by this franchise.

INFERNO

One of the many circles mentioned in Dante's Inferno was "Avarice" (better known as "Greed") - Spyro must collect many gems in order to pass through certain areas, by bribing a wealthy gluttonous bear by the name of Moneybags. In the game there are 10,000 gems total, and Moneybags only asks for small amounts. He claims around 3,000 then gives a full refund after "defeating" the final boss.

SMALL

Spryo must defeat several "bosses" to complete the game. However, this leads children to believe it is perfectly normal to beat disfigured and differently-looking people. These bosses are known as "Crush", "Gulp" and "Ripto", each have physical prowess and mental difficulties. Plus, animal cruelty is mentioned in game. Players must defeat bats, lizards, birds, rams and various other animals to earn the level completion.

GENOCIDE

Sacrifice is also seen in this game, as Spryo must give a large amount of lives to the false god of his choice. His idols are two triangles apart, able to fit two dragons of Spyro's size in between. Upon bringing these souls to the triangles, Spyro can then walk through the gap and gain a "power" of his choice. These involve Super-flame, Super-flight, Super-freeze and Super-jump. Parents say this may let children think that animal sacrifice is the way to gain superhuman powers. In the first game - Spyro the Dragon - the credits at the end say "No sheep were harmed during the making of this game. Some Gnorcs, but no sheep". Insomniac even state how victorious they have been in their genocidal campaign!

PORNOGRAPHY

Even in a game which is deemed to be "suitable for gamers of all ages", this game has also been dubbed a "sex simulator". Characters such as Hunter, Bianca, Shiela and Elora have been called "Furries" by adult audiences. Insomniac says, "what fans say about these characters is their own fiction. We never intended that these characters be presented in any sexual way". Yet nearly 60% of the Spyro "community" claim that they have a crush on characters such as Bianca and Elora. One image was discovered on a Spyro forum recently,

Aww, isn't that so cute--, I mean, err, sickening, isn't it?!

The game lures fans into searching the internet for beastiality pornography and interspecies prostitution images. Such content should not even be allowed for adults, yet there are children also who are looking for this content.

Nudity is also a major problem: Hunter and Spyro are the only main characters who don't wear clothes at all, yet the Professor, Moneybags and Ripto do. However, these are trained animals beaten and humilated, then forced to wear clothes of such nature, for human enjoyment. Elora barely wears anything other than a fig leaf to cover her chest, and even the fur should cover her genitalia. Her raised tail shows that she is sexually excited, and promotes sodomy.

CONCLUSION

Never in all my days as a gaming journalist have I seen such evil in a video game! The content of this game is foul, and is only appealing to those who are too innocent to understand, or those who are guilty enough to do so. Sierra (creators of the perverse video game franchise, Leisure Suit Larry) now own the video game franchise, and are throwing even more adult-themed content at it than you can shake a stick at. This is truly disgraceful, but only the beginning of the depravity going on in video games.

LOTRO: A brief review - PART 1

OK, so everything I say here may not be entirely accurate due to the fact I've only been playing for around 2 hours. Plus, I've only just finished all the Intro quests, so apologies. If you saw my Rift review on the Steam forums, I'm sure you know what this one will be like.

After many complaints and rants about how slow the download speed has been, I've finally got the game up and running. The moment I started I was overwhelmed by the intro movie and the graphical capabilities, so I guessed this game would be pretty awesome. I rolled a Race of Man Captain - a character that could bolster allies' attack and defense, and could keep himself alive. Not to mention that people wouldn't spam "FFS HEALER?!" and "WTF HEALER?!".

So immediately I found myself in a prison, and there's some dude who's just broken me out. Surrounding him are the lifeless bodies of recently slain guards. You know where this is headed, don't you? I then spend 10 minutes trying to find the "satchel" where I'll find my first weapon, then get into combat with my rescuer for no apparent reason. Apparently he wanted to test my combat skills, but surely he could've just seen me slaughter 4 "Darkwold" NPCs and then be the judge. Still, we carried on, and soon I was left on my own to fight.

Has anyone figured out what game I'm comparing this to? I'm being serious, this is how the game begins for a Race of Man.

I found several characters and reunited with my rescuer, however, he has been mortally wounded by a "Dark Rider". He retreats when the place sets alight, and we all leave for the starter city.

OK, I'm going to have to stop there. This is almost identical to the story of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, only without the death of an Emperor. But here's where things become even more comparative....

In the starter city I must convince a Captain I-don't-give-a-shit-about-what-you-think, or something along those lines, that there is a Darkwold invasion coming soon. What next, do I have to go to each of the realms and explain that they'll come through bloody great gates and burn down the city? No, that would be too much like ES. This time it's like Dragon Age!

So after killing various Darkwold soldiers, a few Feral Wolves, the occasional "piglet" (they call them piglets, but we know they're boars. See, Codemasters know when you're bored of killing boars), but still no signs of Ring Wraiths.

My opinion at the time: Generic MMORPG but it's doing a better job that Rift! And it's free!

So we find that Farmer Corn-on-the-Cob is in fact a traitor, and Captain Doesn't-give-a-shit can't believe it. We visit his exiled son and try to get proof. Then all of a sudden, after killing spiders and more wolves, we're plonked right into the middle of the main battle!

What would my character's parents say? "Oh, they grow up so fast. Jorhn's only Lv.5 and already he's in the army!" Yes, I was in the main battle of the Intro quests. Barely knowing anything about the Hobbits that are supposedly the Ring-Bearers, we're thrust into a huge battle with.... *sigh*, more Darkwold soldiers. After a few more waves of these enemies we're stunned for no apparent reason, Farmer Corn-on-the-Cob kills Captain Gunnery-Sergeant-Hartman, and we're left to slay him. Almost immediately we have a cutscene and now we're in the second part of the game.

Time flies by very quickly in this game - before the cutscene everything was ablaze, but during it, everything was repaired and after it's looking normal.

It's gonna be one of those games....

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Kvatch Recovery

I have to hand it to Bethesda that they know how to destroy a city. You remember when you nuke Megaton just for a few bottlecaps? It gets blown to smithereens! Now that's what I call a conscience! But let's return to the thread at hand - we all know the Kvatch was utterly destroyed by the Daedra, leaving only a few soldiers and civilians alive. Surprisingly, no children were harmed (mainly because there aren't actually children in this game).

It was good to know that a lot of people there were putting up a good fight? Me? I just sat back and watched, drinking mana potions like I was a drainpipe and hurling healing spells at everyone. It was all very tense for the NPC soldiers - I got so tense at one point I nearly soiled my breeches--, but enough about that. Even when the Oblivion gate is destroyed and the area in 100% "purified", no-one decides to do anything about it's recovery. Instead, the knights whom I "fought alongside with" are in fact just standing there idle. Oh, and I do leave with a fancy dress and a shield with the Wolverhampton United logo on it, so that's a nice bonus.

Kvatch. Have you heard about it?

As a matter of fact I have - there are many mods available for the PC version of the game, which can repair Kvatch once you've finished the quests there. The Kvatch Arena is restored; people are moving back into their homes and chapels; the streets are much cleaner; the guards are regularly patrolling, and of course - everyone recognizes you as a hero. However, some mods will only restore what Kvatch used to look like, and will not do the above things. Some mods may even introduce a new character - a new Count of Kvatch! Plus, if the town had more quests with this mod, I'd certainly give up precious HDD space to play them (as I've done around 95% of all quests on the XBOX 360 version).

So what turned out to be an impossible challenge on the home consoles has turned out to be a rather quick and easy on for the PC - another triumph for modified content. See? Not all content ruins your game....

World of Riftcraft: Similar or Copied?

Anyone who plays MMO games now will probably heard of a game called Rift. I remember hearing about it them moment it hit the Steam Store. I rushed onto the forums to see if it was worth getting. Now, being Steam forums and not the Trion Worlds (the makers of the game) forums, I was expecting there to be a lot of trolling and flame-wars. It was like looking at what was going to happen to Los Angeles in The Terminator. But I pushed all that aside and saw only people saying how great this game would be. But after looking at various screenshots, wikis and videos of sneak-peek gameplay, I couldn't help but notice that this game was very much like World of Warcraft, but at the time I was for Rift, rather than against it.

But why was I for this game? I mean, I bought Rift but I also had WoW. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I was bored of being a ginger Dwarf Hunter called McDipper. Don't get me wrong, I love WoW but it's just like every MMO on the market - Age of Conan, EverQuest, Aion, Final Fantasy.... need I go on?

In WoW it's all "go find this person" and "go kill [x] amount of [y]" or "collect [a] amount of [b]". As disappointed as I was, I still played the game and stopped complaining. I didn't like being a mage much in World of Warcraft, as it was too simple and I'd seen it all before. OK, it wasn't too different from Elder Scrolls games, but at least Bethesda did it right! Ah, the Hunter was the life for me, and it was the exact same thing on WoW as it was Rift.

I soon lost my nice opinion on Rift, as the game was exactly the same except for graphics. Here's how:

• There are two sides - the "good" and the "evil". They're not really good or evil, they just have similar ways of doing things. And these two teams are against each other. There's the "Alliance" who rely on magic and worship, and the "Defiant" who rely on "Technomancy" and clocks.
• The inventory system is identical to various other MMORPG's, and they couldn't think of anything original.
• The combat system is the same and therefore boring
• Classes have exactly the same names, icons, statistics as WoW
• The game practically begins with the same concept - there's a war, now do your part for it by killing these and getting these.
• Lots of enemies that have been seen and done before.
• If Trion added a "Dungeon Finder", we'd know they have nothing else to copy. Without it, they're screwed.

To be honest, I don't think Rift copied entirely from WoW, but there are many things that are the same, and they get repetitive and extremely boring. If I wanted to play Adventure Quest: Worlds, I would do. I don't need to pay £15/month for that, because it's free!

Look at LOTRO - that has quests which aren't too hard or repetitive. It has awesome raids and many things to bring people together. Out of all the MMO's out so far though, believe it or not Runescape is the best. Not an opinion, but a fact. There aren't a great deal of "kill these, collect these and talk to him/her/it" quests, and they're still decent. Runescape isn't repetitive - it changes all the time, and there's always something to do. If any MMO wants inspiration, turn to Runescape or LOTRO - at least they know what they're doing.

In the meantime, I'll let YOU make an opinion on World of Warcraft, Rift and other MMO's. ^_^

The Installation of Lord of the Rings Online (LOTRO)

It's been a real tough week for my second half of my holiday - I've been playing a load of Team Fortress for the first half, grinding achievements for the Sniper (mainly involving Jarate), and complaining about crafting a Voodoo Juju (when I wanted the skull). But this week has been different!

I've been desperately trying to install the free MMO, Lord of the Rings Online (I'll refer to it as LOTRO from now). To be honest, I have no idea when this game takes place - whether it's before, during or after the events of the three novels (exlcuding "The Hobbit", because there was aleady a game adaptation of that).

The first time I tried to install, it took around 3 days to do so. Why? Because - believe it or not - I wasn't using a dongle: I was using Talk-Talk broadband, but I had to do so wirelessly. I was only downloading at 100kb minimum.

My laptop screen Trollfaced me.

So then I decided to just let it download from 5AM to 9PM for around three days. Finally, the patcher appeared and I was overjoyed! But then I realized it was installing another 3 gigabytes on top of the six I'd recently downloaded! WHAT?!

My laptop screen Trollfaced me. Again.

So I agreed to install that 3gig, which took around two hours. When that was done, I tried logging in with BOTH OF MY CODEMASTERS AND TURBINE ACCOUNTS!!!! Did it work?! No.

My laptop screen Trollfaced me. Thrice.

That was when I realized I was installing the US version! Of course, how silly of me to not notice that THERE WAS NO NOTIFICATION OF THIS BEING THE UNITED STATES VERSION OF THE GAME!!!! So I uninstalled that, and in my rage, I roared. I would boast about reaching climax during that roar, but that would be stupid. And a lie.

So I installed the EU version of the game, which was ten gigabytes. Too much. I tried on my Iomega hard-drive, but apparently I didn't have permission. I gave it full access, but what happened? It wasn't part of Win32, and that really brought my piss to the boil. I suffered 3rd degree burns in my bladder. So then I decided to install it on my Data drive and - voila - it has done it!

So now I'm happy. I'm just around 75% installed, then we've got to extract the files, then install the patcher, and then I'm done! I'm ready to play LOTRO!

I'm probably happier than this kid here!



The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Sheer Beauty

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is one of the biggest titles of the PC, XBOX 360 and the Playstation 3. Not to mention one of the greatest games of all time. I would talk about the whole ES franchise, but we'd be here forever, and that's not the point of this thread. I'd like to talk about the forth game, and it's beautiful graphics, and soothing soundtrack.

Now if that ain't gorgeous, I don't know what is

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is renowned for its extremely detailed scenery, the realistic expressions of characters' faces, and of course, the characters themselves. From the demons to Dagon, from rocks to roads, I'll be talking about it all here on this post. Why? Because if there's one woman I have to say I love, she's called Cyrodiil.

Bethesda were the creators of Fallout 3, completely changing the way that series looked. The nitty-gritty look of the Capital Wasteland's crumbling ruins truly caught our attention. I didn't like its graphics at first, but the rough edges and quite pixilated borders around objects and buildings really set the scene. Everything is glum, there's no hope of survival, death is waiting around every corner - it's reality, and we can't escape it. But Cyrodiil is a world full of hope, light and wonder - we can travel for hours through the mountains of Bruma, the plains of Anvil to Chorrol, and roam the beaches surrounding the Imperial City in peace. We're armed, ready and we're hardened prisoners, so we have no fear of the odd mud crab or the mob of Goblin berserkers. The atmosphere is a positive one, and we will fight for it, but not die for it.

Wow, I can't wait to nuke Megaton for a few bottle caps from this view!

Sheer beauty - that's what it is. Even Oblivion: the place we can truly call Hell on Earth, with its seas of bubbling lava, smoke-filled air and killer plantlife, we still find something about it amazing. The soundtrack fills us with dread, and it can make our bones chill more than the coldest night in Winter. We get a feel of what it's like to be scared in Dagon's realm.

But not all that is Daedric is about blood, fire and death. Take Sheogorath's realm - two sides of good and evil. It's like putting ES 4 and Fallout 3 together: Mania, the fantasy realm of good and Dementia, the land of depression and hopelessness. Sheogorath - even though he has a lot of people killing each other in both cities - is a rather cheery fellow. He doesn't like shouting, nor does he mind the fact he'll explode and become the giant version of the Tinman from Wizard of Oz. He too knows what beauty is - he wears lots of bizarre colours, not to mention uses them to decorate his realm. In the badly named Shivering Isles, we have giant orange mushrooms, greasy green cobblestones, mutated Koopas without shells, and huge ants which I swear were in Fallout 3.

Sheogorath doesn't need to pluck my eyes out to make me come again! Eww....

I can't possibly say any more to you than "see it for yourself"! Have a look at videos, images, mods - play the sodding game! Because this truly is a beautiful game, with inspirational graphics that no-one else can master! You thought Rift on highest quality was good? Pah! Wait 'til you see this game! It'll always give you butterflies in your stomach (similar to the ones in the above picture, but not as many) and a lump in your throat. Now if you'd excuse me, I've got to see to my fair lady Cyrodiil....

If you think this is wrong, see what they do with plants!

Welcome to the official Greenteeth Blog!

Hi there, and welcome to the official Greenteeth Productions blog! You may know our (or should I say "my") little thing going on at YouTube - we review games, swear a lot and try to make things funny.

Here on this blog you'll find:

• Videos - whether they be exclusive to this blog, or available to the public eye on YouTube
• Reviews - some long and short reviews of games which we all know and love
• Rants - absolute rage going towards some games (NOTE: NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY)
• Critisism - you'll see all the arguable negative points about a game here
• Notes - just some things we'd like to talk about in a game, and what interests us at the moment

That's all for now really on this post! We hope you enjoy the rest of the blog!
Oh, and apologies if it's not up to the greatest standards in the world - we're new to blogging! ^_^