27/05/2011 UPDATE

It's the first major update for Greenteeth, so here it is: "Patch 1.0.1"!

Character Updates 1.0.1

Introducing:

• Commando Ro
• N. Ding
• N. Trails
• N. Danger

Patches to existing characters:

• Sherri has been killed off
• Greasgorrok "Greasy Gamer" has become a coca-cola addict
• Undertaker makes his new series

Series Updates 1.0.2

Patches to Greasy Gamer series:

• More research will go into reviews
• More creative critisism will go into reviews
• More rant scenes and cleverness will go into reviews
• Three donations have been given: Re-Loaded (PS1), Assault (PS1) and Alien Trilogy (PS1)

Patches to Undertaker series:

• Undertaker Reviews begin
• (Possible) First reviews will be: 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Dollman, Escape from New York

Amnesia: The Dark Descent - Staring into the Abyss, Part 1

Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Already you get the mental image of survival horror, loss of hope and a place filled with despair. This game isn't just a horror game - it's a full-on simulator. Imagine the following:

• Silent Hill (all the good ones, anyway)
• Resident Evil
• Alan Wake
• SAW
• Alone in the Dark
• The Ball
• The complete opposite of Saxton Hale

Combine these things and you're bound to have Amnesia: The Dark Descent. In the game (or perhaps real life), it may look something like this....

Scary, isn't it? Imagine when you fight against one of these little beauties!

Well, I say fight them. I mean "try desperately to find the SHIFT key, then attempt to hide away in a dark corner or a closet. However, this image might not frighten you just by looking at it. It probably wouldn't scare a 3rd grader if they had a second glance at it. But when you play the game and find that there are no weapons in the game, you're pretty much fucked. That's when this game gets really scary.

SO, LET US BEGIN OUR DESCENT INTO THE DARKNESS....

The whole game takes place in some sort of manor. The game will not explain exactly what is going on. You are suffering from amnesia (forgetfulness, if you'd like me to put it bluntly), and you can't remember where you are or how you got there. The first thing you'll notice is that you're in an FPS. Or just an FP, because there is no shooting at this very moment. I don't want to spoil it for you, but there isn't any shooting in this game as far as I know. This game isn't Left 4 Dead - it's not going around mindlessly killing everything in your path thinking you are xXM4DSKILLZBROXx. In this game you rely on everything but guns. You must rely on courage, sanity (both yours and the main character's), wit and agility to pass these tests.

Does the fact that there's no HUD bother you? Of course it does, if you like generic shooters like Call of Duty and Halo. But this game tries to keep everything as realistic as possible. In a dark and eerie place, you're bound to see things walking past, hear screams in the night and feel that icy presence wrap around you. You are alone and defenceless. Go on, call for "HELP" down the microphone. If this were Hotel 626, you'd just envoke the wrath of some slumbering ghost.

DO IT FAGGOT!

For the most part of the game you'll be soiling yourself. I did too, so we can all admit it and not laugh about it. To make your way around you might need a certain number of cogs, levers or other devices to get something working. Perhaps an elevator, or the 1800's version of a security door/panic room? Think of this as Bioshock, but with less enemies, no guns or HUD, and barely any guidance. Whatever you find or do is taken into account, but it's your brain that has to do that. Very rarely will you get a note in your journal telling you where to go next, or even a clue. The game doesn't have an assistant - the only assistant at the beginning is:

• You have amnesia. Deal with it
• Objective is to escape from this castle/huge-ass manor
• Not go insane due to lack of light or the witnessing of a monster
• Play in the dark (and gain blindness or the need of spectacles) and use earphones to amplify the effects.

Nice huh? Along the way you might find pieces of your journal scattered around, and they take your mind off things too. You'll perhaps learn about this artifacts Daniel (the main character) has been looking for. Maybe even about a mysterious death in his local community. Whatever it is, it doesn't help with your quest in any way, but it helps the plot thicken.

It's not long in the game when you realize how important light is. You have four sources of light:

1. Sunlight (on certain levels there may be windows that are open, or a crack in a wall that reveals light)
2. Already-lit torches (these are found hanging on the walls), candelabras and chandeliers
3. Tinderboxes (you can use one tinderbox to light one non-lit torch ONLY)
4. Gas Lantern (requires oil, but is a portable source of light)

Light protects you from insanity. When you go insane, you'll fall to the ground and then your speakers will project a loud whine (yes, worse than someone on the Team Fortress 2 Forums), which will make you (in reality) lose around 3 ear hairs which are needed to hear. But that's what happens when you have, what I call, an insanity attack - the makers of this game really try to put you in the shoes of someone who can't call for mommy, because she's probably a Skidrow (the monster).

"THIS ISN'T ALAN WAKE - THE LIGHT WON'T PROTECT YOU"

If you think you should be scared of the dark, think again. When a Skidrow appears from around a corner, what would you rather do?

A) Shine a torch in his face and keep running at him

B) Hide in the darkness and perhaps behind an object (e.g, a barrel, up against a wall, behind a table)

These monsters aren't blind and they will detect you very easily in light. They're slow, bumbling deformed man-babies, but at least they give you the chance to shut a door behind you and hide behind the sofa. This isn't Alan Wake - the light won't protect you. You can't burn these things, nor can you make them run away by trying to strike a light in their faces. As I said earlier, there are no weapons in the game, only wit and guile. Besides, if you saw one of these things, you would not attack it. If anything you would stay there, scream and expose your neck in your fear. Running away is a mere fantasy in the mental condition Daniel is in, but he manages to do it. He's not Gordan Freeman, who suddenly knows everything about espionage, sabotage and crowbars.

If that monster came in to your room, OK, you might suddenly beat it, but what if you were unable to interact with a cane or a table or the handgun under your pillow? What else would you do? That's the case in this game. If Daniel was given a P90 and some grenades, he'd kill the sonofabitch that stood there before him without a doubt. But that would give him comfort. And then this game would be as awful as Hydrophobia.

"HE'S NOT GORDAN FREEMAN, WHO SUDDENLY KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ESPIONAGE, SABOTAGE AND CROWBARS"

The amount of sheer horror put into this game is amazing. This isn't just your average Legend of Zelda puzzle, nor is it just the take-your-time-and-pick-your-nose gameplay of Silent Hill - this is psychological horror. This game is for proffessionals with standards. You wanna game that's got endless gore in it? Play DooM, and watch The Toxic Avenger series while you're at it. But if you want something that will chill you right to the bone, then play this, and then come back to my descent into darkness.

Travian: A Review

I'm a big fan of MMORPGs. Especially browser based ones. The ones that don't require 20gig andtake several days to install, not to mention the ones that you don't pay monthly for. I played World of Warcraft and found it worth paying for, and Rift was decent but still offered the same gameplay. No point in paying double for one product, right?

But in saying that, I've been playing Travian for a few weeks now, and have so far really enjoyed it. I played Tribal Wars for around 20 minutes, but got bored and said "fuck that, I'm outta here". Sure Travian is nothing more than pointing and clicking, but it's addictive and sure as Hell fun. Like on the old Atari consoles, you have to use your imagination. But this isn't just your average browser game though - it's not like Urban Jungle or Hobo Wars where it's all text based. On this you can see how your village is progressing, how your empires are expanding, check upon your hero - it's all there on this very-near-to-awesome game.

So far I've been through three accounts (I'm not doing too bad on my third). The reason why I've gone through three accounts is because:

• On my first account I made my Roman empire a Trading one instead of a Militant one.
• On my second account I kept being attacked by one person and was robbed dry of resources.
• On my third account, I'm finally doing something good as a Gaul.

ARMIES

When you register, you decide what army you want to be associated with: The Romans (good for beginners), the Gauls or the Teutons. Right now my personal favourites are the Gauls (mainly for the ability to use traps).

Each army has different attributes. Some might have:

• Stronger defense bonuses than others
• Faster resource gathering than others
• Stronger troops than others
• Cheaper building costs than others
• Faster merchant speeds than others

Who you choose is up to you, but I recommend the Gauls (I think they're more recommended for new players). Why? Because they have:

• A Cranny that starts off holding 200 resources (equivilant to a lv.4-5 Roman Cranny)
• Fast Merchants
• Ability to use traps, so enemy soldiers are instantly stopped before they even reach the city walls
• Not too great a nerf towards their defense bonuses.

OBJECTIVES

The Objective of the game is rather simple: when your beginner's protection runs out.... panic. While you're trying to get your resource tiles to higher levels, you'll need to think about taking over the world, or saving it. But still, whether you're a Trader or a Tyrant, you'll need lots of defence while doing quests. Quests aren't major and aren't really part of the main objective, but offer rewards that will help with the main objective.

RESOURCES

Resources are required to build and upgrade resource tiles (the resource genorators) and buildings (barracks, warehouse, flour mill, etc). You might need a certain amount of wood to build that city wall, or enough iron to train that certain amount of troops. Either way, resources are the life blood of your empire, especially wheat! Your workers will go through wheat like there's no tomorrow, so you need to keep the supplies up so you can upgrade and build more things quickly!

Resources can also be traded with other players or NPCs. Some can be donated just by sending a merchant over to another player's village.

TROOPS

Troops are a major part of the game, whether you're peaceful or not. Troops are needed to keep your supplies around when you won't, and make sure they hold off attackers. Troops are used to attack other villages, defend their own, reinforce others and aid Heroes on their adventures. Troops can be found and captured (especially the nature ones - yep, you can catch crocodiles, bats, tigers, rats, bears, snakes with Cages).

THE HERO

Your hero is practically the the best troop in your village. He's all you have for protection at the beginning. He'll go on adventures or to unnocupied oasises, and if he's at home he'll help gather resources. He can be given ointments (HP potions), steeds, cages, books, weapons and armour - anything to help him pillage and rape his way through the world! If your hero dies, he can be resurrected at the price of a long respawn time and a lot of resources.

ALLIANCES AND WAR

It's wise to build an Embassy as soon as possible, for without one, you can't possibly join an Alliance. Alliances will help others keep track of when you or someone else attacks, and is an easy way to keep in touch with merchants. They'll help you especially when everyone's waiting for your beginner's protection to run down to 00:00:00. But that doesn't mean you won't need your soldiers and defences!

A DAY ON TRAVIAN

A day on Travian for me is like watching paint dry. However, the picture I've painted is one of a zebra (I love zebras), and I could watch that for hours. The moment you log on you'll find yourself disappointed or extremely happy - you'll either have fuck-all in resources, or overfill and wished you'd expanded your warehouse/granary. If you leave your account for around a day or two, it will have its resource pussy stretched beyond belief, and that's no good to you, or the person who fucked it.

So you have to do something right? Well, while you're happily wasting resources on wheat fields, you see what your Hero brought back from yesterday's late night raid, and -ooh goody- he's got some cages! Time to use them in an Unoccupied Oasis! It takes him an hour to get there and he brings back 2 bats, 2 rats, a tiger and a bear. Hmm.... not brilliant, but they'll do. At least it's some more defense, and they don't need feeding so I'm OK.

You're mainly going to be expanding resource tiles, building armies and perhaps doing the odd work to the city wall, but that's about it for a great majority of the time. I guess there is nothing else to do after that. Well, you could try working on some quests but you need a huge pile of resources to do them.... which you don't have.

Travian is all about waiting.... and believe me, this game makes sure you're patient.

CONCLUSION

This game isn't anything fancy or overcomplicated (Evony), but it isn't too basic, boring and utterly shoddy (Tribal Wars). Travian is colourful, has lots of players aiming for the top and always has something going on war-wise. If you've spent out all your resources, have a look at what you can do for when you have enough. Can you wait another few minutes to build that Academy? Is it worth investing another level into my Embassy? Perhaps I should buy some more traps later, and save what I have now?

You'll always be making tough decisions and you're always having questions bombarding you. It's a tough game at times, but it's a good one. And just because you can't watch your screen all the time because there's always something going on, doesn't mean that you can't do something else. The world of Travian is always changing, and even by waiting, you can make it change too.

My verdict: 96/100

THE GOOD

• Colourful, bright and friendly for everyone
• A real empire-building game. It makes you feel proud to have such an awesome force
• It's worth waiting for the good things

THE BAD

• The moment your beginner's protection runs out, everyone has dibs on who kills you
• Waiting for resources can be a pain, and sometimes not worth it
• Depending on your tribe/army, you might suffer in various ways

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - A Traveller's Tales

What with The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim coming up soon, I'm all hyped up about its ancestor, Oblivion. But I've completed all the quests mentioned in the GOTY Prima guide, and I've only got two more skulls to find for the uncharted quest, The Hills of Suicide. Am I bored? No.

This is just a minor case of devestation. The rest of the game offers a lot more!

I've been playing this game for years now, a few months after its release. This was probably the first RPG I'd ever played, and you know what they say about first impressions. This game had awesome material, mostly original, the graphics really emphasized were extremely appealing, the soundtrack emphasized everything you saw, heard and read. Every little detail was taken to account - whether it be the moss in between cobblestones or the hidden messages written into the bark of trees. But what else is there to do apart from look at this marvellous scenery? Nothing.

But who says it's a bad thing?

Mods. They make wilderness exploration better than it already is

OK, so you might not want to go around, killing wolves for pelts, boars for meat or various other roles as a RP Hunter. I have nothing against you for that. Even I - as a role-player - still like to go and fight with the odd Imperial City guard, bring down an Oblivion gate or nick a few spoons from Kvatch....

But what if you are a role-player? You're stuck to very few tasks which can get repetitive and boring. On MMO's, you have to pay to do this. C'mon, any closer to reality and we'd be playing as gimps for our very real Mistresses. But on ES4:Oblivion, it's free to play. When you have the game you can do whatever you want. Me? I'm a traveller. I prefer to use my bow, and sometimes hurl a few spells when necessary.

I like to see the world, not be shut away from it like I was at the beginning of the game. I've left the game on pause, roaming around the Chorrol planes, hoping to find a mountain lion and a worthy challenge at my level. But while I'm loading my bow, aimng for the perfect shot, scheming menacingly, I take in the surroundings. The area. The view. The peace.

No Oblivion Gates pulsating in the background. No other players filling up a text-chat box on my left. No other reason for this animal to die other than an arrow from my quiver. On a single-player game, you are the one who chooses what lives and what dies. And as a traveller, you'll find more oppurtunities to kill, save and destroy. It's just a matter of looking around.

So, while I wait patiently for the beast named Skyrim, I look around Oblivion, lurking in waist-high grain, holding my bow, ready to strike at it like the hand of God. I'll clutch it, and exchange its life for money.... in a store.... called Gamestation....

 Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Also known as Vikings .VS. Brown Bears with Tentacles.